I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize