I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
