alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
