I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
