If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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