i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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