In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
