Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
