they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
