i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize