I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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