Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
