Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
