i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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