I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
