A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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