Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
