If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
