You can't special order awesome
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
