Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are these your boobs on my camera?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
