I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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