'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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