Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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