she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
