My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
