I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
