dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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