Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
