Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
