Sorry, I don't speak sober.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You are the jesus of drinking
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
