no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize