I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
