someone threw a dead crab at me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
