I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
