It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
