dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
