i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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