Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
