yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I am spending my child support on dildos
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
