does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
