i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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