the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
