I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
