everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
