Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
