So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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