I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
