My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
