I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
