I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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