im six kinds of drunk right now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
