I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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