I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
