I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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