DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Found your dick twin last night
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
