after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
