Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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