literally had 100 drinks last night.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize