I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
