So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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