Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
