Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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