The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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