Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
