Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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